Tomorrow Andrew and I will be visiting Gary Heidnik’s house in North Philadelphia. I have mixed feelings about this; strange, complicated feelings of self-doubt and self-perusal (re: glorification of a criminal psychotic) and anticipation, excitement tinged with fear of disappointment. I’ve developed a relationship with this character for almost a decade, developed a world with which he could exist, one in which he might not be the most terrifying evil, as he was (and whose legend remains to be) in Philadelphia in the early to mid eighties. I feel as if this will perhaps reconcile some feelings I have about Philadelphia, which (though I am remit to mention it) most likely are remnants of adolescent inversion coupled with my recent posture in this town, as it has developed more significantly in th past year or so. It should be interesting to note that moving to Colorado may not be possible or at least comfortable if I am unable to repair the rift between my physical and emotional attachment to Philadelphia, as represented by Gary Heidnik(the obvious r-factor pataphorical representation of yours truly within Slaughter), drugs and certain romantic interests (so astutely enacting the dialogs of my inappropriate, ultra-indulgent, psycho-sexual impulses) and my own resounding fear of responsibility or change. A lot has been changing, as always it does, and the more comfortable I am with becoming whom I’m choosing to be- more than “what”- the more I am able to change and grow. Naropa is definitely going to mark a cathartic change in my life wherein I hope to grow even more than I have the past year in this town within which I’ve grown so sick of the debauched violence and usury, surreal portraits of neglect and ill communication.
For one thing, I am looking forward to a complete death and rebirth, learning what I want and what is right outside of the town I’ve spent my whole life in. Finally cutting ties to old, malfunctioning relationships which cause me unneeded strain and neotony. Expanding my perceptions of myself by getting rid of expectations and restrictions inhibiting me in the habits and interactions I’ve collected while here. No longer limited by the restrictions placed upon me by not knowing anything else but this.
I feel real bad that I can’t seem to get back to a place that makes me happy, but only because I remember that time, it’ll always remain reliable and constant, but I can never return to it. I cannot be who I am now and return to those conditions, nor can I be who I was then and experience life as I am now. I’ve tried for so long to go back to a place that I’m simply not welcomed anymore, and it’s time to become who I need myself to be instead of whom I needed to be to have the things I wanted before. The things I wanted before have also turned into different things and it’s time to learn about other things besides who the old changes. Now it’s time to study the present, and how the future changes because, frankly, things don’t ever change, they just disappear or stay the same. I’m not the same, so it’ll only hurt me to want to stay stuck in what could have worked a year ago, because it ain’t working now just like the shit I did then wasn’t working. It’s time to do what works and not just what I want, and the two will just naturally coincide once I get it right.
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